Born Again in Creamed Corn  by Jeff McGowan

How the hell does one cartoon justify rioting, millions of dollars in damage, and yet another parade of images depicting wild-eyed bearded men frothing at the mouth? For the love of god, it’s not as though the cartoonist drew a picture of the prophet Mohammed having sex (in which case I could see a certain level of pique being appropriate, something along the lines of a snarky editorial or vigorous waving of signs in a civilized march followed by a robust snack at a local café). Rioting? Sorry my dear believers, it is totally inappropriate.

Now, lest you think I am bashing Muslims, it is not as though we don’t have like-minded folks in this country as well. Pat Robertson, a paragon of lily white moderation and virtue, is a good case in point. As a lifelong devotee of a faith that ostensibly wants peace and advocates kindness and forgiveness, he sees no contradiction in calling for supreme court justices to die quickly, or in blaming the victims of terrorism for the crimes committed against them because they were not good enough Christians. Let’s also not forget the abortion clinic bomber of recent fame or countless other examples of violence committed in the name of faith in this country.

You might be thinking right about now that I am anti-religion; in fact I am just anti-stupid people. Faith is good if you practice it in the spirit that it is written, which seems to be about love and forgiveness, not judgment and hate. Much of what we see on the television these days is nothing more than people willingly putting their intellect on the shelf and seeking truth in raw emotion. These people are not bad, but they are being manipulated by the Khomenis and Falwells of the world who seek power or are trying to maintain it. They comply because they are poor, afraid and the only way to impose order on the complex world we live in is to take to the streets and tear up the place.
After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that non-religious people have got to get things back under control and impose order. What is the solution?

Wrestling in creamed corn! Secular society should lobby congress to pass a bill that all religious extremists and their leaders be forced to engage in nationally televised wrestling matches in large vats of creamed corn. The only criteria the legislation would use is to indict the purveyor of any simple statement whose meaning is to call for violence or anything other than peace love and understanding.

One hateful word, and on with the sumo diaper and into the vat! The loser of each match would be compelled to repent publicly and wear the Sumo diaper in public for a period of not less than 5 years, the idea being that nobody could take seriously anyone wearing one of those ridiculous outfits. The only way not to serve out the full term of 5 years would be to retire to private life.

Imagine, if we really did this, what fun we would have. We could have grudge matches, Jerry Falwell vs Cardinal Law chained together in an acrylic vat inside a cage suspended above the audience at Madison Square Garden, or Abu Musab Al Zarqawi versus Tammy Faye in a head butting contest. Turban against wig and take no prisoners!

The benefit of these matches would be that all the stupid people who act on the violent and hateful messages would have an outlet for their frustrations. Think of the money that we could make! If we stuck with it, a whole new national holiday could be built around some sort of national championship. We could call it “The Hatenanny.” T-shirt revenues alone would run into the billions. Hats and shirts emblazoned with slogans like, “My Cardinal kicked your Pastor’s Ass in Hatenanny IV” could spark a cultural revolution.

This idea is a win-win for everyone. Instead of acting out and causing a lot of damage, stupid people could live vicariously through their champions in the “Hatenanny.” This, in turn, can lead to entrepreneurs everywhere making a quick buck. In short, a uniquely American way to solve an intractable problem.

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